I am not ok, and that’s ok

Like most people, 2020 has hit me like a ton of bricks. I started out with plans to travel more than I ever had in any year before, and I even had 13 flight segments under my belt by March 8th. And then…

Well we all know what came next. Scrambling, struggling to find ways to make things continue to work, drop all plans for the year and come up with something … different.

Obviously everything that could be moved online went online. This made available the opportunity to attend Camp Mustache, normally held over Memorial Day weekend outside Seattle, and hear speakers like Vicki Robin, Doc G, and Lynn Frair. But then 2020 did what 2020 does, and Mr. Money Mustache couldn’t show up, with very little notice. Odd, but so is this year.

Around the same time, I was handed a laptop and allowed to work from home 3-4 days per week. Which is still funny to me, because I was finally allowed to work from home around the same time we re-opened our shuttered lobby to the public. And in January I had asked about the possibility of working from home even 1 day per week (I live approximately an hour away from the office) and all I heard back was “we’ll have to talk about that”.

Backtracking a little bit, Chase “unfriended me” as a customer in March, which is still perhaps the most bizarre thing to happen to me in 2020. Gone were all of my future travels that I’d hoped to use the lucrative Ultimate Rewards points to pay for nights and flights. I had just 30 days to redeem or transfer all 480K+ points, just as travel was shutting down for the long haul.

I started playing a free game on my phone, but as with all of these games, they aren’t much fun as a F2P (free to play), so I made in-game purchases here and there. To the tune of a couple thousand dollars at this point, and I’m one of the top 25 players on the server where I play. Freaking expensive, still dumb, and yet I’m addicted.

I’ve recently tried turning my addictive tendencies into something more fruitful. I’m using the Duolingo app to try and learn French. At this point, it’s only been 6 days, but I am really starting to get the hang of it. All 686 words I’ve learned thus far, anyway.

Speaking of addiction, I set out this year attempting my first Dry January. I had never set out to start the year so intentionally, except in 2019 with my step challenge with Miss Mazuma, et al. Shockingly, I was able to keep up the no-drinking thing until May 4th. I was also dry in July, but have not kept it up in subsequent months.

I live alone, and pretty much always have since I bought my place in 2006. I had a couple temporary roommates (summer interns at my government office jobs), but I knew where they worked and that they’d be gone as soon as the summer was over. This just means I have a lot of practice at being alone, not that I’m any better at it than the rest of us.

Living alone and “feeling” alone are two totally different things. Most of the time I’m the former, but sometimes lately I’m definitely the latter. Whenever people ask, I sputter out the old trope “I’m good” without thinking or intent to deceive. But it’s really hard to be alone most of the time, even as an introvert who generally prefers that.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s such a ridiculous way to hurt ourselves. I could go on and on about how couples or families at least have the company of each other during this time, but I’ve seen enough of the complaints about not having any personal time or personal space to know that’s a stupid comparison to make.

My thoughts are clearly scattered, and I don’t even know if I’ll publish this. But it’s what has been going through my mind since approximately April 10th, and I don’t feel like I’m making any progress anywhere, except now my French lessons, several dozen lessons along.

I’m very fortunate to have my safe, steady government job. The one I want to quit about 5 times per day (I say half-jokingly). The workflow has not only stayed high, it has increased since the beginning of the year, setting a new record high in February and again in August. And there are so many changes and challenges coming, the ones that result in more than a thousand phone calls from the general public that take 5+ minutes each time for me to talk through all of the changes, what they mean, and the implications.

And the new pattern is also wrecking havoc on me and my house. It took me 5+ months to actually go buy an office chair, since I wasn’t sure how long my remote work arrangement would last. I finally bought the chair after they sent me home with a new laptop, docking station and an extra monitor. But that has caused a lot of my costs to go up, including electricity bills. And my air conditioner is running 24/7 now, instead of getting a break during weekday work days. So of course it has crapped out on me, not once or twice, but more than 5 times. I’ve had service calls in April, June, August, and so far 4 repair calls in October alone. The system was fully replaced in 2016, so these components are just 4 years old. But even though they are under their original 10-year parts warranty, I’m on the hook for the labor costs. And that means I’ve spent more this year on my A/C and electric bill than I have on my car, travel, and that stupid phone game mentioned above, COMBINED. I just keep reminding myself this is why I have an emergency fund, save a considerable amount of my income, and how nice it feels to walk into a cool house during the hot Florida summer (March-November) haha.

Cases are picking up again, just as expected in the Spring. The holidays are fast approaching, and it is becoming more and more necessary to set your own boundaries because so many other people have given up on theirs.

And I haven’t even mentioned the racial reckoning and recession until now. Headlines in 2020 have been scary AF.

But we will get through this. And it’s ok to not feel ok sometimes.